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Joke of the Week
A cowboy rode into town ...
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the
saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals
always had a habit of picking on newcomers.
When he finished, he found his horse had
been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips
his gun into the air, catches it above his
head without even looking and fires a shot
into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?"
he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if
my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm
finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in
Texas and I don't want to have to do what
I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and
his horse was back! He saddled up and started
to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and
asked, "Say partner, what happened in
Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I
had to walk home!"
ASSICONS
We all know those cute little
computer symbols
called "emoticons,"
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_O_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass!
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned!
MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH
A HAPPY ENDING !!
A couple had only been married for two weeks
and the husband, although very much in love,
couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey,
I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?"
asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,"
he answered. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my
love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator
and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
brands from 12 different countries: Germany,
Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the
only thing that he could think of saying
was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...
You know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because
the wife interrupted him by saying, "You
want a frozen glass, Puppy Face? " She
took a huge beer mug out of the freezer,
so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes,
Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those
hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes
of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little
quiches.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar....
you know there's swearing, dirty words and
all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN
UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT
THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN
MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR
MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't
that a sweet story?
Get Challenged! Looking for a way to help
the environment but don't know where to start? Need simple ways to get involved? Join Campaign Earth's monthly challenge. We'll give you one new
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when it's time for your next challenge.
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TWO DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES
One day, the father of a very wealthy family
took his son on a trip to the
country with
the express purpose of showing
him how poor
people live.
They spent a couple of days and
nights on
the farm of what would be considered
a very
poor family.
On their return from their trip,
the father
asked his son, "How was
the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people
live?"
the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the
son.
"So, tell me, what did you
learn from
the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered: "I saw
that we have
one dog and they had four. We
have a pool
that reaches to the middle of
our garden
and they have a creek that has
no end.
We have imported lanterns in
our garden and
they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches
to the front yard and they have
the whole
horizon. We have a small piece
of land to
live on and they have fields
that go beyond
our sight.
We have servants who serve us,
but they serve
others.
We buy our food, but they grow
theirs.
We have walls around our property
to protect
us, they have friends to protect
them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his
son added, "Thanks Dad for
showing me
how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful
thing? Makes
you wonder what would happen
if we all gave
thanks for everything we have,
instead of
worrying about what we don't
have.
Appreciate every single thing
you have, especially
your friends!
Share this with your friends
and acquaintances
and help them refresh their perspective
and
appreciation.
"Life is too short and friends are too
few."
"Ten Peeves that Dogs Have
About Humans"
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny...
not funny at all !!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN'
DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting
me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is
this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food
on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff up when
you're not home.
6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a
proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big
snip", then acting surprised when I
freak out every time we go back! !
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches
of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite
mastered that handshake thing yet.
9.Dog sweaters. Hellooooo ???, Haven't you
noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth, you're just
jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these thing's,
We both know who's boss here!!!
You don't
see me picking up your poop,
do you ???
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers,
but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven,
can we sit
on your couch? Or is it still
the same old
story?
Dear God: Why are there cars
named after
the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
the
colt, the stingray, and the rabbit,
but not
ONE named for a dog? How often
do you see
a cougar riding around? We do
love a nice
ride!
Would it be so hard to rename
the "Chrysler
Eagle" the "Chrysler
Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his
head off in
the forest and no human hears
him, is he
still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand
human verbal
instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns,
clickers, beepers, scent ID's,
electromagnetic
energy fields, and Frisbee flight
paths.
What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less
spaghetti,
please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in
Heaven? If
there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list
of just
some of the things I must remember
to be
a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food
before they
eat it or after they throw it
up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls,
fish,
crabs, etc., just because I like
the way
they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers"
in the kitty litter box, although
they are
tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie
jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
Neither
are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not
stealing
our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in
the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's
hand when
he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license
and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war
with Dad's
underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's
crotch
is an unacceptable way of saying
"hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly
stand straight
up when I'm under the coffee
table.
12. I must shake the rainwater
out of my
fur before entering the house
- not after.
13. I will not throw up in the
car.
14. I will not come in from outside
and immediately
drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle
of the living
room and lick my crotch when
we have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky
toy' so when
I play with him and he makes
that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last question
. . .
Dear God: When I get to Heaven
may I have
my testicles back?
THE BLONDE PAINTER
This blonde decides one day that she is sick
and tired of all these blonde jokes and how
all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that
blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides
that she is going to paint a couple of rooms
in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves
for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells
the distinctive smell of paint. He walks
into the living room and finds his wife lying
on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices
that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather
jacket at the same time. He goes over and
asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing
and she replies that she wanted to prove
to him that not all blonde women are dumb,
and she wanted to do it, by painting the
house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over
her leather jacket. She replied that she
was reading the directions on the paint can
and it said ………...
You'll love this.
Yep... I know you will . . . . . . .
'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'
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